Thursday, March 01, 2007

Koko The Don

Two weeks ago the kids messed with the TV settings. Ever since then the picture on our TV has been slightly distorted. The faces are a bit wider - like the image was being forced into being widescreen. We worked off and on for a week to try to change it. I have no idea what they did, but they did it good!

We finally reached a point where we couldn't take it anymore. Hubby had the universal remote and the TV remote and was alternately pushing buttons - on both remotes and on ME. He would get to a screen that looked promising and then he would press the wrong button. Over and over. I was intently staring at the screen when I realized that nothing was happening. I looked over at Hubby in his big chair and he had the remote in his left hand and had his right index finger resting on his bottom lip, a puzzled look on his face. I had HAD it by this point and said, 'Okay Koko, give me the remote!" His puzzled look deepened.

Hubby: "What did you just call me?"

Me: "Koko. You know, the gorilla that uses sign language to communicate? You had the look of a puzzled gorilla. It just came out. Sorry."

Hubby: "Don't call me that. It's not nice." And then he stuck his tongue under his bottom lip and proceeded to try to push the buttons of the remote with his knuckles.

(We eventually fixed the TV AND the DVR (for some reason the DVR thought that we were continually recording ESPN - even when we asked it very nicely to stop) by just unplugging everything and then turning it back on.)

Sunday night he had the remote again. During the Oscars. That's not acceptable. I control the remote during Hollywood events, thank you very much. Once again, he was trying to figure something out with the remote (I have no idea what he was trying to do because he knew that if he changed the channel at all that evening he was going to lose a hand) so, once again, I took control.

Me: "I am going to have to start calling you Koko when you use that thing. Give it here."

Hubby: "Why do you want to call me Koko?"

Me: "Because you look just like she does when she's trying to figure something out."

Hubby: "SHE? You're not even calling me a boy gorilla, I'm a girl?!? Now I really don't like it!"

Me: "Okay, okay. It's not very nice. I won't call you Koko." Then I took the remote and started watching again.

A few minutes later I looked over and he was sitting slumped over, his tongue back behind his bottom lip again, hands curled, running his knuckles over the top of his head. Then he pointed at the remote in my hand and started grunting.

I was just getting used to the idea that I had married a female gorilla when he got it into his head that he wanted to be a mob boss.

Monday night Hubby decided that he wanted to check out The Black Donnellys - the show that replaced our beloved Studio 60. I had a hard time with that because I'm still mad that they cancelled Studio 60 so I went in the office to play on the computer and pout. About halfway through the show Hubby convinced me to come in and watch with him. He said that it was very good and he was getting into it. He caught me up on what the warring families were up to. He was very excited at how the story was unfolding. There were beatings, murders, professions of forbidden love. The works.

When it was over he leaned back.

Hubby: "I want to be in the mob!"

Me: "What?"

Hubby: "Yeah! It would be fun! I could come home and say . . . " At this point he got up and walked over to where I was sitting, leaned over, put his finger in my face and said, forcefully, "Don't ask me about my business!" Then he shot the mood by standing up straight and grinning.

Me: Deadpan. Still pouting over not watching Studio 60. "Yeah. That would be fun."

Hubby: Trying it again. "Don't ask me about my business! You don't know anything about it! Tutoring kids is a hard business! You don't need to know anything about it!" Then he practiced storming out of the room.

I know he wanted to be tough. I know he envisioned having a gun hidden in his waistband. But all I could see was a confused gorilla beating her chest and then signing "toilet dirty devil".

Can't help loving that man of mine!