Anxiety - what is going to happen next? Is this little period of disquiet over? Have I placated everyone who needs placating? Have I done enough? What have I missed? What is around the corner?
Depression - I'm not able to keep up with placating everyone. People - my family, my friends, my co-workers, my students - they are all counting on me for things and I'm not doing those things well. Or I'm not doing them at all. Depression defies description. It's a gateway to and also a result of anxiety.
Guilt - seriously, there are SO many other people who have it SO much worse and I don't see them losing it. I should get out of my own head enough to go help them - to be there for them and be strong. Or at least learn something from the way they handle themselves and their situations. Who am I to think that my problems are so big? It's not about me. The world doesn't revolve around me. My problems and feelings are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things. There are so many people who have it so much worse than I do - how can I be bothered by such little things?
These are the thoughts in my head every time I get upset. So I stifle the feelings. I pound down the disappointment, the sadness, the anger or whatever I'm feeling at whatever event has just taken place. How can I be upset about "x" when people I know have just experienced "y", which is SO much worse? I cannot seem to give myself permission to have a bad day. Or at least to SHOW that I've had a bad day. I will tweet about it, but that's about it. Most of the time if I actually interact with a person face to face, or even over the phone, I'll say that I'm fine or I'll downplay the pain. OR I'd stay home until the feeling passed so I wouldn't have to see anyone face to face at all.
But I'm not dealing with it. I'm packing it away to be dealt with some other time. Only . . . I never get to the other time on my own so it builds and builds and it's its own vicious cycle. Some things I've never really dealt with. And they do come back up only to be pounded back down.
Will this post ever see the light of day? Will I be courageous enough to put it out there? Or will I lock it down tight and put on my game face? And if I do post it, will I tell anyone it's here?
* * * * * *
I'm feeling better today - one day after I wrote this and locked it down. I feel almost normal again. I guess I succeeded in packing it all back up.
So my question to myself is - do I now just have perspective on what has been troubling me and can see that it's not what I thought it was? Or have I packed it so tight that I'm not allowing myself to work through it? I do know that I have a tendency to accept my circumstances and "deal with it" rather than even investigate whether or not those circumstances can change. Am I THAT afraid of change? ;-) Or . . . are my problems really that insignificant that a good night's sleep (or two) show that to me? I remember when we were going through a horrible time with Buddy, I just kind of accepted it and endured. I did try to find help, but when I kept being met with "no, we can't help", I didn't question it. Am I doing that now? Am I just accepting that I'm going to have ups and downs and that when I have a trigger I just suck it up until I'm functional again and then move on? Or do I address the trigger, eliminate it and THEN move on?
I don't have the answers. Not even to the question of whether or not I'll post this. All I know right now is that I'm not on the verge of tears, my heart is not threatening to beat out of my chest, and I can breathe without sounding like I'm in a yoga class.
So now I'll try to get caught up on all the stuff I didn't do yesterday - like laundry, lesson plans, blocking a scene, grade book, etc. And I'll pray that I things will continue to smooth out.